Good Stuff.

I heard the lyrics of this John Newton hymn in a sermon I was listening to recently.  I googled the text and found it.  Apparently it's supposed to be sung to the tune of "O Worship the King".  What a great exhortation and a reminder of the hope I have.

Begone, Unbelief

Begone, unbelief,

My Savior is near,

And for my relief

Will surely appear;

By prayer let me wrestle,

And He will perform;

With Christ in the vessel,

I smile at the storm.

Though dark be my way,

Since He is my Guide,

'Tis mine to obey,

'Tis His to provide;

Though cisterns be broken,

And creatures all fail,

the word He hath spoken

Shall surely prevail.

His love, in time past,

Forbids me to think

He'll leave me at last

In trouble to sink:

Each sweet Ebenezer 

I have in review

Confirms His good pleasure

To help me quite through.

Why should I complain

Of want or distress,

Temptation or pain?

He told me no less;

The heirs of salvation,

I know from His Word,

Through much tribulation

Must follow their Lord.

How bitter that cup

No heart can conceive,

Which He drank quite up,

That sinners might live!

His way was much rougher 

And darker than mine;

Did Christ, my Lord, suffer,

And shall I repine?

Since all that I meet

Shall work for my good,

The bitter is sweet,

The medicine, food;

Though painful at present,

'Twill cease before long,

And then, oh, how pleasant

The conqueror's song!

Update: the LORD is merciful and gracious.

In the post titled "Lessons (re)learned", I shared how the application process to doctoral programs has been so stressful and disappointing for me so far.  God has really used my experiences to show me my lack of faith and the magnitude of my control issues.  Even though it was difficult, I am ultimately thankful because even in the midst of great disappointment and sometimes despair, He got me to the point where I could still praise Him, be thankful, and rest knowing that He cares for me.

And now God has done something even bigger and greater.  The one rejection letter I got is the only one.  I am invited everywhere else!  Yesterday when I got the email from the school where I felt my chances were the slimmest, I was totally stunned.  This particular school had very stringent requirements for the 1st round recording, and I had failed to meet their requirements almost completely.  And yet, I'm invited.  God is so merciful (and I'm not going to lie, it was definitely a little confidence boost as well!).  Of course, this is just to audition and doesn't mean at all that I will ultimately get in.  And I have never been to this school and have never played for the teacher-- it might not be a good match anyway.  But this is just another example of God's love and mercy in action.  He is so good and able to do what I think is impossible!

PLEASE PRAY FOR MY WRIST (if you're one of my praying friends).  I had to perform Crumb sonata yesterday and definitely stressed my left wrist out practicing for it.  I am having significant pain from time to time, and usually wear a wrist brace when I'm not playing.  I'm also using heat and ice, icyhot, and so much ibuprofen that my next post will probably be a prayer request for my liver!  I have such a short time before auditions that I can't afford to take time off so I really need some healing action here.  Thanks for your prayers!

IT'S GREAT TO BE A FLORIDA GATOR!

Gator Nation is very happy today. I haven't been outside yet, but I fully anticipate seeing lots of orange and blue as soon as I step outside. And with good cause!

Living in Florida, it is difficult for me to imagine that someone did not hear about the University of Florida Gators winning the national college football championship last night. But in case you don't know, they beat the Oklahoma University Sooners 24-14.

I didn't watch the game closely because towards the end of the first quarter my friend Chelsea called and we talked for two hours! But I watched off and on during our conversation and have watched a lot of replays online since.

Watching Gator games in my family is serious stuff. Both of my parents and both of my grandfathers are UF alum. My dad is a hardcore Gator fan. Our family schedule revolves around being home to watch Gator football games. However, we cannot all watch together, as my dad requires complete and total silence during the game. He doesn't even want to hear the commentators. He turns down the volume and sits in the room alone in anxiety ridden silence as he intently watches the game. He will emerge at halftime to go to the computer and check the sports blogs, wring his hands and make dire predictions (no matter how far ahead they are), and sequester himself again in plenty of time for the start of the third quarter. It's ok to talk to him during halftime if you must, but don't expect a thoughtful answer. I'm not kidding.

Here are what I think were the best plays of the game:

• The first should be watched by EVERYONE, even if you are not such a huge football fan, because I have watched it so many times and still can't believe that Ahmad Black pulled this off. Truly amazing. You also have to watch 2008 Heisman Trophy winning QB Sam Bradford's face as his ball is intercepted. That, my friends, is a picture of true disbelief. Here it is. 
  
• The second great play was by Tim Tebow, UF's omnipotent quarterback. Here is his incredible jump pass that clinched the game for the Gators. (keep watching for the replay.) Pretty good, right? They don't call him Superman for nothing.
  

Being from Jacksonville, people sometimes ask me if I know the Tebows. And the answer is yes, I do, but not well. We went to the same church and our families both homeschooled, so of course we knew each other a little. The Tebows have five kids, and I am a little bit older than their third.  I went to some homeschool events at their house and was on some homeschool field trips with them. My sole memory of Timmy as a child was standing in his bedroom when he was probably in about the first grade, watching him and his brother Peter play with racecars and blocks on the floor and thinking, "What sweet boys. I hope I have boys like that someday." The Tebows are a great family who really pushed their kids to excel at their callings and to advance the Kingdom. Timmy may be the most famous Tebow, but he certainly isn't the only one worthy of admiration and praise.

Anyway, the Gators are the national champs, proving that when all is said and done, the Sooners are just another piece of Gator bait.  Chomp chomp.

lessons (re)learned

Some of you know that my applications to doctoral programs have Not Gone Well. To say the least. Of course, I had planned everything beautifully, and knew Exactly How Things Should Be. I practiced diligently, studied…well…some, and was Totally On Top Of Things.

Somehow, it all fell apart anyway. Without going into too much detail (leave a comment if you’re interested in details), I can say that due to circumstances totally beyond my control, I ended up having to change repertoire at the last minute, and I recorded music that I had only practiced for about a week and that did not meet the recording requirements for the schools I sent it to. On top of that, by the recording date, I was so stressed out, tense and generally out of my mind that it definitely decreased whatever quality I was able to achieve in my frantic week of practice. But that didn’t matter since it didn’t meet the requirements anyway. Bummer.

I also scheduled two appointments to play for teachers while in New York last month. One of them fell through—not because of me. Having some sort of relationship with the teacher really helps at audition time, so I was disappointed that the appointment had to be cancelled. The appointment I did have, however, went extremely well and I left feeling pretty psyched about the school and the teacher. This was surprising, as it was not my first choice initially (though it was always a viable and attractive option).

Due to the inadequacy of the recording that I sent in to the schools for the first round, I knew that not being invited for a live audition was a real possibility and I prepared myself for that. I knew that I still had a chance at the school where I met with the teacher, so all hope would not be lost. It would be nice to have choices, of course, but not having them wouldn’t exactly be the end of the world, either.

A few days ago I got my first rejection letter. Of course it’s a little disappointing, but it’s also not a huge blow to my ego because of the circumstances surrounding it. This isn’t the kind of moment that would cause me to start questioning myself and/or my abilities. Also, I realized that I have become pretty interested in the school where I know I have a very good chance of getting in, and found myself a little relieved that I wasn’t going to have to buy another set of plane tickets to go to this audition. But while my response to the rejection itself has been fine, my responses to the stress of and disappointment in the situation surrounding it have been revealing and instructive.

God often doesn’t answer prayers in exactly the way we want Him to, even when He gives us what we ask for. For example, in this case, I asked Him to open doors that needed to be open, close doors that needed to be closed, and to make it abundantly clear to me where I should go to school. I have prayed that prayer, verbatim, pretty much daily for the past 7 months or so. I also prayed that through this process, God would refine me, humble me, make me acknowledge my dependency on Him, and that He would be glorified through everything I did. These prayers are being answered. But I sure wasn’t happy when I watched everything I had worked so hard for disintegrate before my eyes! To have my hard work undone and my perfectly planned situation implode was definitely not the way in which I wanted His guidance to appear. I was so very angry that things weren’t going as I wanted them to after so much effort and sacrifice. I am saddened to confess that my response to the unfortunate chain of events was often less than gracious. Judging by my response, an outside observer probably wouldn’t guess that I am a beloved child of God who is always provided for in every way.

Through the events of the past 6 weeks, I have been made profoundly aware of my utter dependency on God, because I see that even with my hard work, determination, desire and ability, I still can’t control the situation. And the times in which I did respond lovingly and graciously to others who had let me down during this crucial time only occurred because of His love and grace towards me.

I cannot begin to count the times I have told others that God has given them the exact amount of talent and intelligence He wants them to have, and that He opens certain doors to place them where He wants them to be. Why can’t I remember that when I am the one struggling? I know that my calling and career are about more than just winning auditions and proving that I’m better than someone else. In fact, I know that it’s about more than simply playing. Over the past 4 years God has placed me in specific situations in order to care for and love particular people, to advance the Kingdom, to strengthen my character, and to cultivate my talents. God is completely faithful in His provision, in the development of my gifts and character, and in His desire and willingness to use me. But how easy it is to forget this! How many times do I try to control the situation, arrogantly confident that I know what is best? During the past months when things didn’t go as I thought they should, I was totally consumed with rage and screamed like a petulant child, accusing this gracious God of apathy, abandonment, and even sadism. Thankfully, He is patient and still inundates me with mercy even though I am perpetually ungrateful.

Relying on God to provide opportunities is not a copout or an excuse for laziness or for failure. I have worked hard and will continue to work hard. But I am also continuing to learn (painfully, stupidly, slowly) that I really must totally surrender myself to Him. After all, I am completely dependent on Him anyway. My artistic and career ambitions, my current (and desired) relationships, my hopes for who I can become and what I can do—all of it. This is not a new lesson for me and even begins to sound a bit cliché, but it is so hard. And when has He not been good to me? As I sit here and think of all the times I haven’t gotten what I wanted, I cannot think of a single example in which what I got instead didn’t help me to grow personally and spiritually, and often, when applicable, musically and intellectually. On the other hand, it is quite simple for me to list people I would have never known and loved had I been in different situations, lessons I would have never learned, and profound experiences of God’s power and love that I would have never had. I do not mean in any way to invalidate or trivialize the reality of pain and disappointment, but remembering that God has my best interest at heart and hates my suffering even more than I do does allow for bigger and better perspective.

The audition process is far from over. In fact, I should be practicing right now! I hope and pray that as I am practicing over the next month, my joy will be deepened as I continue to learn about God’s mercy and goodness. Of course, it would have been nice to get into every school, get amazing scholarship and fellowship offers, and make my decision based on details like which cafeteria had the best coffee (kidding, but you know what I mean). That is not to be—and undoubtedly would not have been even with a great recording—but my prayers are being answered. Doors are opening and closing. I have seen some of the hideous sin that plagues my heart, and now that it has been brought to light, there are the opportunities for refinement that I prayed for.

So to the list of daily petitions I am adding a plea for grace and wisdom to trust Him at the point of trouble instead of only acknowledging His goodness in hindsight, and I ask that He continue to cultivate a gentle and quiet spirit within me that responds graciously in all situations, no matter how challenging. I look forward to these prayers being answered, and I look forward to seeing how this audition process finishes and resolves. How wonderful it is to remember that through all of this I am safe in His hands and that He never stops working all things for my good and for His glory.

“The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases, His mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness.” Lamentations 3:22-23

children's worship

Every Sunday I help in children's worship.  I am responsible for the music, and then I stick around and help out during the rest of the time.  The kids are pretty funny and I enjoy getting to know them.

Overheard yesterday:

An exchange between A (a little boy about 5), and S (a little boy about 7):

A: are your little sisters still twins?

S (incredulously): of course they're still twins. 

A: now? they're still twins?

S: twins are just twins.  they're always twins.  

The puzzled (and slightly exasperated) look on S's face was priceless.

My favorite quote of the day came from M, a little boy about 6 years old.  The teacher said that she was going to bless the snack and for everyone to be quiet.  After she finished praying, M turned to me and said with exuberant confidence: "I'm a great blessinger."

~

I really want to teach the children theologically rich, classic hymns.  I love praise music, but a lot of it just isn't as laden with good, solid theology.  The hymns I learned in my childhood have reinforced truth in me like nothing else, and I would love to pass that on.  So, I'm compiling hymns that I would like for them to learn over the course of a year.  My initial list is below (in no particular order).

• May the Mind of Christ My Savior
• Jesus, What a Friend for Sinners
• Great is Thy Faithfulness
• Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing
• Fairest Lord Jesus
• Praise to the Lord
• My Jesus, I Love Thee
• How Deep the Father's Love for Us
• Amazing Grace
• And Can it Be
• What a Friend We Have in Jesus
• Trust and Obey
• There is a Redeemer
• Be Thou My Vision
• How Firm a Foundation
• Have Thine Own Way, Lord
• Holy, Holy, Holy
• How Great Thou Art
• It is Well
• He Leadeth Me
• 'Tis So Sweet to Trust in Jesus
• When I Survey the Wondrous Cross

Please let me know if you have any suggestions, or even if you have concerns about any of the hymns in this list.  Thanks!

pickled hair, hope and a video

today definitely did not go as planned, and I'm pretty bummed about it.  and annoyed.  and disappointed.  plus I just did a vinegar rinse on my hair and I smell like a pickle, so I may have to shower again. sigh.  the internet told me that the smell would fade quickly.  lies!

but there's always tomorrow, and hopefully things will be better.  I'm thinking church, lunch with family, helping my mom around her house a little bit, a costco run and... a pedicure and yogaberry!  Now that is a day to look forward to.

Actually, the initial reason for my post was to share this.  Enjoy. 

Earl Grey Tea Shortbread Cookies

A, my best friend from childhood, is the birthday girl tomorrow.  Yes, she is catching up to me and will be 28.  It's the age to be.

Like me, A appreciates good food.  I decided that birthday cookies were a good idea and am fairly certain that her husband and three kids will agree.  I began perusing the internet, searching my favorite food blogs and websites, and came across something creative, tasty and EASY.

Some time ago, I began thinking about how tasty it would be to make a cake with tea in it.  I imagined adding highly concentrated tea to the batter, but it never occurred to me to actually put tea leaves in anything.  And then I happened upon a recipe for Earl Grey Tea Shortbread.  I think it worked out quite tastily.  Because I had never made shortbread before, I was hesitant to experiment too much.  Next time I will make some alterations, which I will write at the end of the recipe.  Warning: this is not healthy at all.  But good shortbread never is.

EARL GREY TEA SHORTBREAD

I found the original recipe here

Yields approx. 4 dozen small cookies

2 cups all-purpose flour

2 tablespoons finely ground Earl Grey tea (about 4 bags)*

1/2 cup confectioners' sugar

1/2 teaspoon salt

1 cup (2 sticks) unsalted butter, softened

1 tablespoon finely grated orange zest (reserve orange)**

1. Combine flour, tea and salt in a bowl.  set aside

2. Put butter, sugar and orange zest in a mixing bowl.  Using an electric mixer, mix on low-to medium speed until pale and fluffy (about 3 minutes).  Using low speed only, gradually mix in flour mixture until just combined.

3. Divide dough in half.  Transfer each half to a piece of parchment paper and shape into logs.  Roll tightly in parchment paper, squeezing as you go to narrow and shape the log and force out air.  Tuck ends under (like wrapping a present) to seal the log entirely in parchment paper and place flat in the freezer.  Freeze until firm, about 1 hour.

4.  Preheat oven to 350F.  Using a cold, sharp knife, cut logs into 1/4-inch slices.  Space 1 inch apart on baking sheets lined with parchment.***

5.  Bake cookies until edges are golden, 13 to 15 minutes.  Cool on wire racks.  Store at room temperature in airtight container.

*I found that the tea in the Twinings' Earl Grey bags was so fine that I didn't need to do anything to it.  I just cut the tops of of 4 bags and dumped them in.

** The dough was looking a little dry to me towards the end of the mixing, so I squeezed about 2 tablespoons (?) of juice from the orange into the dough, which I think was great.  Next time, I will add juice again and will probably increase the amount of orange zest by at least 50%.

***The original recipe calls for baking two sheets of cookies simultaneously.  I only wanted to use one at a time, so I filled one sheet and kept the remaining sliced dough in the freezer.  When the first batch was finished, I transferred the cookies to the wire rack and then put the unused dough on the same sheet.  I think it's probably better this way for even cooking.

I hope A likes them!  I think they're pretty good.  Not too sweet, good texture, interesting flavor.  Plus, they're so easy to make!  On a scale of 1-10, I give them about a 6.5.  The flavor isn't quite strong enough in my opinion (though that could be altered), but the recipe itself is inventive and the texture of the shortbread is pretty good.  Also, I'm a little concerned that there might be a not-so-great aftertaste due to the tea leaves.  I don't really notice one, but now that I've thought about it I'm a little fixated.  Anyway, I would definitely make these again for a party or a present because they are so easy and unique.  Try it sometime and let me know what you think!